Miss Petra V's Problem Page

Miss Petra V Is a trained counsellor with many years of experience in counselling, advice, guidance, mental health and support. In addition she's lead a life you could write a book on! Miss Petra offers empathetic, honest and practical advice. No matter what your problem is Petra has the answers and if she doesn't she will point you in the right direction...

My only gay friend tried to have sex with me?

I'm gay and he is gay. I am really upset a lot at the moment because my family is sort of imploding over me being gay. My dad hates it, my mum is ok (sort of), my little brother’s say I am an embarrassment.  My older brother says he feels he needs to defend me. I have only one gay friend who I tell EVERYTHING to. Yesterday he kissed me and I kissed him back, I suppose I don’t know why but then he pinned me down and I told him that was enough! He then told me to make up my mind! I was confused and asked, ‘About what?’ and he said ‘Everything’. I am  so confused, I feel like I should kill myself and I wish I never came out, then at least my family and friends could have mourned the person they loved.
Please tell me it gets better eventually as I can’t take this anymore

Response:

I would like to say that things will get a lot better for you. Regarding your family, I understand this is a terrible time for you. Your family may take a long time to get used to this or as in some cases they may not. At this moment they do not understand and its seems they have not been faced with this within the family before. This bad reaction is how they are choosing to deal with it for now. Your family do not understand so they are hurt, confused with mixed emotions and will worry about societies opinions, they may believe that they are thinking about you. On the plus side it is really positive that your Mum is somewhat ok with the fact you are gay as there is much hope that she will gradually be fine with it, in time she may also be able to soften this issue with your dad. It is great your brother feels he needs to defend you as he loves you.
Your friend who is gay is wrong in his whole approach, I am very concerned with the fact that he has held you down against your will, kissed you and then told you to make up your mind. This was unacceptable and you should never expect that from anyone. He has not acted as a friend and he has placed unnecessary pressure on you to go along with what he would like you to do for his own needs and so I can see why you feel you have no one to turn to. I understand why you are confused especially as you had trusted him and I empathise with you as you already felt alone and more so since this incident has occurred. Being gay is not about sex just as being any other sexuality is not either. You need to get away from this person. I know for now you will feel alone but it is far better than having a so called friend like that. You will not be without friends forever but just for now.
It is very sad you feel to fatally harm yourself as I am sure you have many people including your family who truly love you but, at the moment they are fixated on the fact you are gay. I do not believe you, your family or anyone else would be better off with you gone. You have already stated your brother wants to defend you so you can rest assured that he loves you too. You have a long future ahead and yes at times it may be rough but you will get through it and with the right people around you your future will be good. I would like you to try and think about yourself right now and what you would like for your future. Things will change as there is always hope and who knows you may be able to help someone else with the same problem in the future.
You can search online to find nationwide Help-Lines and Gay Organisations in and around your area. They can provide you with support, advice and guidance and some provide days to meet with gay people in similar circumstances and with those who understand what you are going through.

Take courage and be strong

Miss Petra V

Am I Gay? Please help!

I had just turned teen and as I am a man I had never looked at men in this way before but then in year 7 I had a crush on a guy. I had a girlfriend for 7 years although throughout that time I never loved her. I don't really get boners when I see girls on the street and I have to watch lesbian porn because if I watch straight porn I look only at the men... I do watch gay porn (Dont judge) and get turned on but it could be purberty, I dont get boners by girls that much anymore either. My ex girlfriend who I spoke about before is now my best friend. I was thinking I could go out with her when I'm older and pretend I love her? I'm not a cold person like that though but, I would if I had to. I do find girls fit but can't get an erection with them. I'm still not not sure if Im Gay.

Response:

You said you had, 'just turned teen' so I am assuming you were 13-14 years old when you first had a crush on a boy. That is a confusing time for us all as we go through many emotions at that age. Hormonally, physically and mentally we are growing and it is a crucial time in our lives when we are truly beginning to mould ourselves in many ways so that did not mean you were gay.
With your past girlfriend of seven years, although it is unfortunate that you did not love her, there could be many other reasons for this within the relationship as well as your sexuality. You have to take into consideration that you are young and wont always make the best decisions for yourself yet.
I don't believe many men have 'boners' when they see women on the street, this is not abnormal and this also does not mean you are gay. I would not judge any person for watching Porn but bare in mind that it is not a necessity so, if you feel any discomfort in doing so then I would advise you not to persist in watching it. Some heterosexual men are turned on by watching men and women having sex and sometimes become more aroused by watching the man. Some people are turned on by same sex as visually it is appealing. There is a difference, as if you desire to have sex with only men and want to be in a relationship with solely a man then this could mean you are gay. Many Gay people find the opposite sex very attractive and can often see why anyone would want to be with that person but that gay person feels that the opposite sex is not for them at all. You have said, 'You don’t get boners by girls that much anymore' so you are saying you do on some occasions. You actually could be bi-sexual with a stronger preference to men or it may be that you haven’t seen as many women that you find attractive. I think you need to take the pressure off yourself by not pushing the issue of the title of being gay. You need to find out who you are inside and though this may take time it will be worthwhile. When we are young we are impressionable, our circumstances, situations, life experiences, social inclusions and exclusions as well as family, friends and societies views make up some participating factors in sculpting us. Labelling yourself is not the important part, knowing who you are is. I cannot tell you if you are gay as there are many factors, some of which you have already pointed out. I would advise you to be true to yourself and think about it without stressing yourself. Going out with your ex girlfriend who is now your best friend is not advisable as this would be emotionally harmful for you both. Let her have a future of her own love life and for you to pursue your own. You already have said you will, 'pretend to love her' and this shows you never will. You have to make sure you do not punish yourself for being confused or hurt your best friend in the process even though it is unintentional. The great thing about having a best friend is that you can have them as your friend and confidant forever and you can always be yourself with them. You will be able to find out who you are with her as your friend and as someone who understands you. You have a great future ahead of you and much to learn about yourself. Please take your time and most of all love yourself for who you are right now.

Miss Petra V
 
  

My friend is avoiding me since we talked about being Lesbians...

This school year I met a girl and we became very good friends. Around a month after we became friends I began to develop feelings for her but I didnt tell her. I liked her a lot but I soon realized she did not care for me as much as I cared for her. During a conversation we had she told me about a girl who used to be her friend, she found out she was a lesbian and so stopped talking to her. I I couldn't risk not being with her so I said nothing. Before Spring break a friend of mine (a guy) told me that she had said she was a lesbian. I spent all Spring break imagining things with her, how I was gonna tell her I liked her and how much I wanted us to go out etc.
Anyway, after Spring break we had a really good talk where she told me she might be a lesbian or bisexual but she didn't want to be that way because of her religion. I told her I was a lesbian and also that I used to like her. She was very shocked and told me very clearly that there was no chance in hell anything could happen between us.
After that conversation, we acted 'normal', pretending nothing had happened, but I felt the tension and awkwardness between us. We talked again because in her opinion I was being very weird and possessive (which is the true since I like her alot and I had high hopes for us when I found out she was a lesbian). The thing is, she's been avoiding me ever since the second talk and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid our friendship is coming to an end because I just don't know how to be around her anymore. I don't feel normal or comfortable, and I can tell she doesnt too. I now know I love her. The thing is that she's a *****, I mean Ive seen that she knows how to manipulate people and how to play with their feelings.
What do I do? Should I stop talking to her? I don't know!! Any suggestions please...!

Response:

Unfortunately at this present time this friendship does not seem to be on a good path after the first discussion with your friend disclosing to you whether she was either bi-sexual or a lesbian. From what you have said it seems she may have felt uncomfortable because you had told her you are a lesbian and you 'used' to like her. Your friend is clearly not comfortable with what is happening with her own feelings towards sexuality and possibly does not feel comfortable with you as a lesbian. Your friend had stated prior to discussions that she had fallen out with another friend when she found this friend was a lesbian. Your friend said she does not want to be a lesbian or bi-sexual due to her religious beliefs. I understand that because of your joy in being told by another friend that she was a lesbian you were more eager to tell her about yourself and hoped for something to come of it but, you may have subconsciously played down the fact that she had ended a previous friendship due to this. You have told her of your attraction for her and because of her own issues she doesn't want to be involved in this and not with someone who is her friend. This must be very frustrating for you both as you had to hide your true feelings for such a long time. When you finally felt it was ok she made you realise that it wasn’t ok for her. For your friend this is extremely hard as she thought you were heterosexual and now she knows you are not as well as the fact that you had feelings for her. It is possible that because of this she cannot see how she will be able to continue the friendship without this getting in the way. Outside of your control your emotions for her have progressed and this has manifested in your self confessed possessiveness and in your opinion 'weird' actions. As you say you tried to act 'normal' but possibly in you both trying so hard to do this the relationship was strained even more so and the normal act became abnormal and not true. You have called your friend a negative strong word and have said, 'she knows how to play with people’s feelings and how to manipulate them', I would not advise anyone to attach themselves to a person with these characteristics, this could prove to be damaging for you. However, if you choose to continue the friendship you will have to take control of your feelings and decide if you would prefer a friendship without any desire and attraction for her or to not have a friendship at all. If you have decided that you will put your feelings of attraction for her aside and the friendship will mean so much more than your intimate feelings, you and your friend need to have another talk, you will need to be totally honest with each other about everything to see if you can get past and overcome what has happened and to continue to grow together as friends.

I wish you all the best

Miss Petra V

If you would like advice on a problem (no matter how big or small) contact Miss Petra at : Misspetrav@yahoo.co.uk...